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I’m sorry.

For what? I don’t know.

I apologize to people all the time for no reason.

In moments of awkwardness that are often followed with giggles from nervous energy which means I probably didn't know what else to say.

I've always thought I spent too much time in my own head, editing my own thoughts. Feeling guilty for being too concerned with my own mental state because that would only mean I was too selfish, self-centered or self-indulgent.

Constantly reminding myself that the world doesn't just revolve around me - I have tried to avoid the deeper, sometimes unpleasant sides of myself that also beg for the attention they deserve.  

And so, even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I constantly say "I'm sorry," and have allowed it to be used as a defense mechanism.

I've apologized for my accomplishments and my own work.

Just to spare other people's feelings and to avoid conflict. Other times it's just because I can be so overwhelmed by the presence of other people - I would rather just write out my feelings instead of speaking about them out loud.

And so, I constantly say "I'm sorry."

Hiding and apologizing because I haven't been able to live in my own truth out of fear of rejection and my desire to make or keep other people happy. Fear of sharing that there is more to who I am than just smiles.

Now I am gaining a better understanding that my blessings have my name on them and what is meant for me is simply meant for me.

As I continue grow and face these subtle situations filled with automatic apologies; I realize they stem from my insecurities, pain and inner conflicts. Places where I have been afraid to be confident and bold and afraid to speak up for myself in some of life’s most vital moments. To just honestly express how I feel, choose peace and know that I should not feel guilty for making the best decisions for myself.

Somewhere along my journey, I became dominated by the world around me.

Now, I am here to continue to do my work - unapologetically.

Monique HowardComment